When I was a kid, we spent a week every summer in Connecticut visiting family. The cooler weather was always a nice break from the choking humidity of Maryland in July and my grandma's acre yard had a huge tree that I would climb year after year, usually with a book in hand.
There wasn't much else to do; the small neighborhood where my grandma lived had few kids my own age and the last thing I wanted to do was spend more time with my brothers. Books were my companions and I brought as many as I could convince my parents were necessary for my well-being because there were just a few books at my grandma's that held any interest for me.
One book did, though. I can still remember it today, although the title eludes me. It was a book about paradoxes and logic with simple examples that I grasped instantly. The if/then reasoning appealed to me and I remember drawing little matrices to figure out some of the problems.
When I was younger, those if/then problems in my own life were black and white.
If I don't listen to my parents or teachers, then I'll get in trouble.
If I don't get good grades, then I won't get into college.
If I don't go to work, then I won't get paid.
Now, though, those if/then problems aren't so easy to solve and the questions are harder, more meaningful.
I stand at a crossroads of sorts in my life where all the signs are spinning in the wind. I watch and wait for them to slow and stop, pointing sure and true to the right path, the right choices, but they never do because the wind is my own internal storm, my well-ordered and rational mind slamming head first into my soul.
I'm at a crossroads with this blog as well; there is no ONE WAY sign to follow merrily down the road. This is my personal blog which isn't terribly personal; I don't share all here. I don't opine vociferously about current events or issues that bug me. I don't even talk much about my kiddos because I decided long ago that their privacy was more valuable than good copy.
So what the hell am I doing here? I wonder to myself as I stare down the long roads that stretch into the infinite internet.
I'm not sure, and unfortunately there is no matrix I can use to quickly eliminate the wrong answers.
The only answer I have is inspiration from a friend who told me once that she would give anything to have words like this from her mom whom she lost when she was just a young girl.
That truth is enough for me to keep writing here, even if I'm still fumbling for my compass.