Wherein I Say Nothing At All

I've always been a private person, a statement that seems a bit oxymoronic given that I'm typing it on a blog post.

But it's true; I might be friendly and amiable and downright buckets of fun after the addition of two beers, but there are those doors that I keep tightly locked deep in my psyche. Places I venture seldomly, places I'd rather tiptoe quickly past.

I think we all have those shadowy, cobwebbed nooks within; the fears and frustrations that life gives each of us require their own storage facility amongst the neurons and synapses.

But there are days when the winds of life push those well-locked doors open just a crack. And then I am forced push them closed again, and in doing so, glimpse at what lies inside.

A brief tour:

Fear of Failure as a Mother

{A funroom jam-packed with memories of temper tantrums, spankings given, and the echoes of words said - by them and me - that will forever ring in my ears. Oh, and don't forget the watchful eyes of THEM, those souls that have judged my parenting in public and found it lacking; they seem to have taken up residence here.}

Fear of Failure as a Writer

{Ooooooo....this place is haunted indeed. Don't venture too far in; you'll get mired in the Great Quicksand of Self-Doubt.}

Fear of Failure as a Catholic

{Yeah, so I have some deep problems with getting my ever-so-rational mind to agree with the Church on their stance on birth control. And while I'll give you that the Billings Method works when accurately employed, I would also point out that the accuracy depends on an extremely controlled data collection each and every day at the exact same time - something that this mom of small people can't seem to manage. Tread carefully into this room and keep one eye to the sky in search of errant bolts of lightening.}

There are a couple more rooms, but here ends the dime tour. I won't scare bore you with the rest.

When I find myself standing in front of these doors, trying to face down what lies behind each of them, I get quiet. And I let my OCD'ness takeover; my house, finances, and underwear drawer all get a good cleaning out and organizing while I mull moodily over what's irking me.

So my dear friends, after writing this post about how motherhood has changed me, I found myself facing needy, whiny small people {mostly little Tom} all week and wanting nothing more than to pitch a tent in the backyard to get away from them for just a few minutes of peace and quiet.

I didn't blog this week because peeps? I had nothing good to say, only gripes, ones that I can stand back from today as the week comes to a close and see as trivial worries, not life-altering concerns. When I find myself lurking along that dark hallway of my soul, I try to keep it to myself and muddle through to the light.

Because it's always there, shining and waiting for me to find my way out of the shadows.

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