Moms Groups/Play Groups - November 18, 2007

First, I need to speak to my experiences with Play Groups. I’ve been involved with three in the past: one, as a new mom with an infant through having a second baby; two, as a newly transplanted mom in a new town trying to start up my own group; and three, as a newly transplanted mom in a new town, joining an existing group.

My first experience was great. I was home with a newborn, desperately in need of some social time with other moms just to compare notes and get some acceptance/validation for my choice to stay at home to raise my kids. We were living far away from family, so this wonderful group of mommies came to be a second family to me. We all had multiple children; many of us were pregnant again with seconds or thirds within a two year period. We made it a point to bring dinners for the first month, every other night, after someone had a new baby. This saved me like nothing else after the birth of Prince Tatertot. It was based out of our church, so there was a double-bond created: not just mom friends, but getting to know more of the young families in our parish. We met at our church or the park, on neutral ground. This, I found, makes a huge difference. When we moved from that town, it was very hard to say goodbye to all the good friends I’d made. Sniff sniff!

My second experience was quite different. We’d moved when Princess Pinky was 3 and Prince Tatertot was almost 18 months. I decided to start up a Mom’s Group at our new church when I discovered there was none. This failed dismally, much to mine and Princess Pinky’s disappointment. I’m not sure why; I think I was just too new to this church. I really wish it had worked, not just for me, but for the other mommies I saw every Sunday. There was certainly a need.

My third experience was negative, at least, from my point of view. I met another mommy at the library not long after my start up group fizzled and died, and she and I struck up a conversation about life at home with kids. She invited me to come to their next mom’s group meeting. They always met at individuals homes, a first for me.

What I found when I arrived was chaos: moms hanging out in the big kitchen, chatting over coffee; kids in the family room, playing largely unsupervised. Little kids, about ten or eleven of them, all under the age of three. I left after only twenty minutes, having spoken to maybe one or two moms who had popped their heads in to see if the screaming fight over toys or the scuffling sound of knees on the coffee table belonged to their child.

So, that’s my personal history with Mom’s Groups/Play Groups. I learned a lot each time and there are some good things to consider before joining a group.

1. It helps to have something in common besides your children. Whatever that might be - church, school, job/former job, lifestyle, military, multiples, premies, special needs - it’s always good to have something else that you share with the other moms in the group. Remember that sometimes the only thing you have in common with another mommy is the job title, and we all mommy our children differently.

2. It helps to meet on neutral ground. This one I found to be a biggie. A park, a community center, hospital, church, school - wherever you can get the space and the permission. Once you enter someones home, you have to deal with their rules (or lack of) and may find yourself biting your tongue to pieces. There’s also the pet issue and allergies of all types. Of course, a good group can evolve to a level where home meetups are fine; it’s just not always the best way to start.

3. Have toys for both older kids and infants, and set them up in different areas. If your group grows well, you may have new infants coming along as the original children grow up. Make sure you accommodate the different levels of play, and also make sure you keep it safe for the littlest ones.

4. Moms are social, but always supervising their children. Seems simple, but after my third experience I just have to list it. A play group should be social for the moms, yes, but never at the expense of watching your children. And if it’s a good group, you’ll evolve to the point where you plan Mom’s Night Out, or Mom’s Book Club Night and then you’ll have the chance to be social with your fellow mommyfriends without the stress of watching the kids.

All that being said, how do you find a group?

Well, the best way is to look around the places you frequent: church, school, library, parks, doctor’s office, hospital, coffee shops, the Y, community centers. Often there are bulletin boards with fliers from local mom’s groups. Many local newspapers will also run a listing of groups/clubs meetings each month or week with dates and times, and many Mom’s Groups are using this free listing service as a way to reach out to other moms. Check your local paper, usually in the Community section, or click online to your local paper’s website and look there.

Online, you can search several national and international Mom’s Groups to find local chapters. Here’s a few places to start:

MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers)

MOMS Club

Moms Meetup

Online Playgroup This site is a great resource not just for finding a club (many many listings under Find a Group) but also for starting your own group, breaking into a group, overcoming your shyness.

Remember, once you find a group that you want to try, that’s exactly what you’re doing -TRYING it. Not every mom will feel comfortable in every group, hence the number of different groups out there. If the first group you try isn’t a fit, don’t take it personally and give up altogether. Look around, try again, and know that there’s a group of mommies out there who will be thrilled when you find them.

WM